White Butterflies

Photo from Nature's Desktop

My conversion story would not be complete without 9/11. Just weeks before this day ten years ago I had that big conversion experience. I talked about it before on this blog where I was at my sister in law's Catholic wedding minding my own business, just trying to enjoy the ceremony. I remember Psalm 38 was sung: Taste and See.
I remember the priest consecrating the host and hearing myself crying out in my mind,
"I WANT THAT."
I remember feeling embarrassed and not understanding what THAT was. I felt like crying but it wasn't a natural time to cry at a wedding. That would be during the exchange of vows right? I remember brushing this incident aside and then we flew home. We got back into our routine and then a few weeks later it happened. I woke up with NPR running as my alarm and just listening to the day's news and side stories. Then they interrupted their broadcast. I've always been afraid of flying so any news of plane crashes sends me into a tail spin of obsessing over what happened and thinking of the poor victims and thinking how terrified they must have felt. I left for work with this heavy on my mind believing at first it was just an accident. I walked to my car and saw white butterflies. I noticed there were quite a few. I kept seeing them on my drive to work. I focused on them and was comforted by them. I took it as a message of hope and I clung on to it. But the news only got worse as the morning went on. It wasn't just one plane- now another plane, then another hit the Pentagon. Then finally the one in Pennsylvania. I called my mom to make sure my brother was o.k. since he lives there. Worse yet, it wasn't just an accident. We were being attacked.

We all stared at the t.v at work. All of us were fixated, shocked and upset. My husband was allowed to go home from his job. For some reason the bosses at my place of employment wouldn't let us go home. Needless to say, we all weren't very productive that day. Some of our co-workers including one of my managers I worked under, were in the middle of business travels and stranded at airports.

But I kept thinking of the white butterflies. Why were there so many? I had thought of them as a sign of hope but the day didn't get better. I realize today that hope isn't always about happy endings in this life. It was a different kind of hope. The hope that God is there in the midst of horror and tragedy. The hope that this life isn't it. It's just the journey. It was His way of communicating with me that there was hope. Not in this life but the next. The God of white butterflies. He pointed me to one of His many awesome creations.

God had been working on me that entire year of 2001. Things were building up to that point at my sister in law's wedding. God had been working on my cradle Catholic husband too. He kneaded us like clay pushing this way and that. He took the blinders off our eyes and followed us around dropping hints here and there. They were not all lost on me. Then 9/11 happened and He found a way to tell me everything was going to be alright. That He is bigger than any tragedy and any act of terror. But that ultimately we must put our trust in Him if we're to find that hope.

The manager I worked under finally made it back from his travels. He had joked about his plane crashing before all this happened and I chided him saying he shouldn't joke of such things. He reminded me of my reaction to his joke and we talked about how strange it was in light of what happened.  He was also Catholic and talked a lot about his involvement in his parish. He also talked about one of the parishioners who was lost on 9/11. It seemed that day really put people's faith on display. It was everywhere. The widow of this fellow parishioner's story went like this: Her husband flew to New York to sign papers at the World Trade Center. He was starting a new job and was excited that he was going to get to sign papers there. Then the 1st plane hit the tower where he was at. Upon news of the bombings, his wife's day became a surreal nightmare but she went to the chapel and prayed the rosary and as she and a nun sat in the chapel praying, she could feel a connection to her husband. She wasn't sure if he had been killed but she sensed his presence in the Chapel. There were many stories of people of faith getting through their final moments with grace. There were many stories of those with faith losing their loved one  and yet still being witness to grace carrying them through. They had that hope. They had grace.

Weeks later, I witnessed my husband going to confession for the first time in 10 years. Afterward, we went to my first Mass in ordinary time that wasn't a wedding or funeral. I was mesmerized. The liturgy was comforting. It was timeless. There was hope. During the homily, the priest talked about complacency. How we were all complacent. How people's faith were complacent. How the U.S. was complacent and this was a wake up call. My husband knew when to stand and kneel and what to say when. I heard the Nicene Creed recited. Then the prayer petitions. They had petitions for the victims and the killers of 9/11. Then the Eucharist. I sat back in longing while my husband went up.(This was before he knew he wasn't supposed to receive until our marriage was blessed by the Church and he was very sad upon that revelation...)

I joined RCIA not long after and that manager I worked under was my sponsor. He answered all my questions about the Catholic Faith. Our marriage was blessed in May and I was received into the Church in June of 2002.

So my conversion story is not complete without 9/11. When I see white butterflies I can't not think of 9/11. When I think of my journey to Catholicism, I can't not think of 9/11. And sometimes when I stood in line for communion, that woman who lost her husband that day would be at the end serving. When it came to my turn, I would be face to face with her. I would look her in the eye and she'd say with a joyful smile,
"The body of Christ."
"Amen." I responded.

And in my thanksgiving prayer I would thank God for her witness. I also thanked Him for the white butterflies.

My prayers go out to all those who lost loved ones and for all the souls who died that day. And to the woman at my former parish who lost her husband that day. Thank you for showing me your witness of faith, hope and love.

Here are some other reflections on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11
Wonder if Someone is trying to tell us something
I Saw Death: Msgr Lorenzo Albacete on 9/11
Escaped the Tide
Remember
Defining Moment

Rosary Meditations: Wednesday's Glorious Mystery- The Resurrection

Matthew Chapter 28

1 After the sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning, 2 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the tomb.3
And behold, there was a great earthquake; for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven,    approached, rolled back the stone, and sat upon it.
His appearance was like lightning and his clothing was white as snow. The guards were shaken with fear of him and became like dead men.
Then the angel said to the women in reply, "Do not be afraid! I know that you are seeking Jesus the crucified.
He is not here, for he has been raised just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples, 'He has been raised from the dead, and he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him.' Behold, I have told you."

Then they went away quickly from the tomb, fearful yet overjoyed, and ran to announce this to his disciples; And behold, Jesus met them on their way and greeted them. They approached, embraced his feet, and did him homage. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go tell my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me."
While they were going, some of the guard went into the city and told the chief priests all that had happened.
They assembled with the elders and took counsel; then they gave a large sum of money to the soldiers,telling them, "You are to say, 'His disciples came by night and stole him while we were asleep.'And if this gets to the ears of the governor, we will satisfy (him) and keep you out of trouble.
"The soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has circulated among the Jews to the present (day).
The eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had ordered them.
When they saw him, they worshiped, but they doubted.
Then Jesus approached and said to them, "All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go,therefore,and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.

Personal Reflection

It's always a relief to do the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary after doing the Sorrowful Mysteries. It's reliving Easter Sunday again and again. Jesus triumph's over death. He won. We won. Father Barron from Word On Fire sums it up best. Watch the video below. He explains it best.

Rosary Meditations: Friday's Sorrowful Mystery- The Agony in the Garden

From Luke Chapter 22

After withdrawing about a stone's throw from them and kneeling, he prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done."

    ¹⁴ (And to strengthen him an angel from heaven appeared to him. He was in such agony and he prayed so fervently that his sweat became like drops of blood falling on the ground.)

When he rose from prayer and returned to his disciples, he found them sleeping from grief.

 He said to them, "Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray that you may not undergo the test."

Personal Reflections.

Jesus knew His destiny. The hour had come. He knew His fate. Crucifixion was the most horrific way to die. The Romans would carry crosses and show them to the Jews as a threat. It would immediately get any dissenters in line because no one wanted to face the cross. Jesus, on the other hand knew exactly what He was facing. But because He loves us so much, He humbled Himself for our sake, so we could have everlasting life. 

I attempt to imagine what He was experiencing but instead, I shudder. I am a weak and wretched creature. When I'm upset and scared about the outcome of something, it is my small agony in the garden and I offer it up to Him. Imagine having those closest to you suddenly abandon you when you need them most. I feel despair at the thought of what Jesus went through for our sake. My small mind can't comprehend how we are worth so much to Him. I am so grateful even if I am unworthy. I wish I would never sin again but sadly I do. It makes His agony that much harder for me to bear. I feel somewhat like what Peter must have felt like when he denied Him three times. 

Yet, He still gave Peter the keys to the kingdom and let him run His Church. That's how great our God is. He takes our failings, redeems us and helps us participate in His glory. 

Personal Prayer

Lord, I am so weak and have fallen a sleep at the garden. Help increase my courage and loyalty so I may accompany you in whatever you ask of me. And when I'm in my own agony give me the graces to endure and carry through.