A Mom's path to Holiness

Lately, as I have been trying to enrich and deepen my prayer life, I have turned to the writings of different Saints. My most recent endeavor is the writings of St. Teresa of Avila. Her book, Interior Castle is a spiritual guide or path of the soul and the seven different "mansions" the soul goes through in their journey. In the first mansion, as one begins in their journey, they are still exposed to serpents and menacing creatures that work their way into the mansion.
It goes from there as each mansion the soul goes through, the more they are on the path to holiness as their goal is to step inside the mansion where Jesus resides and they are no longer able to be pestered by the serpents and other menacing creatures.

Are you still with me? I have to admit I sometimes get lost with this book. I can reflect on my prayer life though and I suspect I may be in the second mansion where God is communicating to a soul more forcefully either through trials or from other people or sometimes in the souls conscience when they know what they're supposed to do but are struggling to do it. The serpents are still slithering their way in and trying to trip me up. Sometimes I lose my way and find myself in the first mansion where the serpents are rampant.

I guess my struggle at the moment is I have an overwhelming desire to be in a state where I constantly feel His presence and I just want to spend so much time with Him. I want to have the solitude to pray and sometimes wish for consolations and am at the point where His communication to me is crystal clear and I can confidently know it is Him communicating to me and not just an unknown voice in my head.

And yet, He has made some things very clear to me. He has told me what He expects of me. He expects me to tend to my duties as a mother and wife. To submit myself and surrender to that. As I wonder how I would be able to connect with Him while doing that, He answers me.

 Spend more time with your children, that is how you connect with Me.

This is my Cross. They fight and are loud and rambunctious. I play with them and they fight over the stuff we're playing with or they fight over me. I suggest something more calming to do and one will say yes and the other will say no. Then another fight ensues. Then the baby climbs on the table are starts walking across it and spills the drinks that were left by the other kids. Messes are everywhere and I'm yelling in frustration when they don't listen to me.

Yet, He is right. This is how many of us are to Him. He wants to connect to us and give us some peace but we're too busy fighting, battling over Him, having temper tantrums and demanding things that we want. We're being disobedient and just not listening. This is what humanity looks like and what it is. Some souls are well behaved and clean up after the naughty ones messes. Some souls follow in His footsteps by sacrificing themselves and take the punishment that the more lost soul deserves

It becomes a little clearer to me now. Learning to make more sacrifices and accept the fact that it's a luxury to sit quietly in Adoration. It's a luxury to be pious and really lose oneself during Mass. I have to instead feel the tugging and pulling and squirming of the little ones. The tapping on the shoulder to ask about something that isn't the least bit urgent. Or the sudden emergency that one of them has to use the potty right this second. So I miss the Bible readings or the homily. The resentment sets in. The rage, the subsequent punishment of revoking TV privileges. And after all that I would still die for them so that they could have life. My love for them is undivided and unconditional and my mercy usually wins out over my just punishments. This is a drop in the ocean next to God's undivided and unconditional love and infinite mercy.

So another day passes and I find myself off the path to holiness. I look for the sign so I can get back on. Some days my vision is clear. Other days it's foggy. The serpents slither about and trip me. I didn't see them in the fog. Precious Blood wash over me. The Blessed Mother taps my shoulder. She awashes me in her love. She gives me her hand and says,

"This way to my Son, dear daughter."   

I take her hand and hold on for dear life. I pray for the grace to not lose my grip this time.
Ave Maria.
Lord have mercy on me.