The Bad Date

A couple weeks ago I went to Adoration. I was looking forward to this quiet time with Jesus and hoping He would speak to me more clearly. When I do spiritual journaling, I go through specific steps outlined by this video series. The instructor in the video promises that Jesus won't leave us empty handed and also gave points on how to discern when it's Jesus speaking to us and when it's something else.

It started out well enough. I did the ritual outlined in the videos. I prayed the Rosary, read the Bible and then started writing in my journal giving thanks, adoration and supplications. Then I got on my knees and started chanting in my head "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..."
This is supposed to be like you're knocking on His door until He finally speaks to you. This time I got rather insistent that I needed to hear a distinct voice in my head. I've been writing in this journal for a few months now and I write in red what I think is Him speaking. I feel a sort of prompting and a phrase in my head like "Look at my cross..."
Then I start to write and it sort of pours out onto the page and I try not to analyze what I'm writing. I've felt at peace after doing this so I'm supposed to gather that this is Jesus speaking. Yet, I start to doubt after a while. Was it Him or was it my subconscious?
On this particular day I was going to wait for the distinct voice I've heard others mention that they get. I waited and waited.
Then I noticed the person behind me was whispering their prayers. I was very distracted by this. I thought,

"Don't they know God can hear them in their head?"

I started getting agitated. Then I started to panic. I thought these feelings of agitation were from the devil. I told myself I needed to be more tolerant and less selfish. But I got more and more agitated. I wanted to tell the person behind me to be quiet. Then I told myself to stop. Ignore it. Don't be so selfish and intolerant. They deserve their time with Jesus also. I recited to myself over and over again

"In the name of Jesus, spirit of selfishness and intolerance, I bind you to the foot of the cross."

But I still felt agitated. It wasn't the devil. It was me. I owned it.
Finally I got up and moved up to the front and sat on the carpet before the alter rail. I tried to regain control of my emotions. I felt defeated. Then I heard the usual phrases that could be me or could be Him and settled on writing that down. The message was basically about not expecting consolation. Stop looking for signs. I needed blind faith. This was how He was going to speak to me. It was going to continue to be in this manner where I'd be uncertain. I was going to have to learn to trust no matter what.
It all made sense but I didn't leave with a feeling of peace. I left and still felt defeated. I told myself this is what the devil wants but it didn't change the way I felt. The message was garbled because I had too much of my own mind to fight with. I was so disappointed. This was the first time I left without that feeling of peace.

When I got home, my babysitter asked how it went. She's not Catholic but is Mormon and very spiritual. We enjoy talking of spiritual matters. So, I complained, (I know, not very spiritual...) about the person behind me whispering their prayers and it was distracting. I complained about how I wanted to hear the distinct voice that others have heard but I didn't and I wasn't sure about what I was writing. She tried her best to console me. She later texted me a biblical passage that helped. I was so touched by it. She is a treasure and I told her so. I eventually got over my disappointment.

A week later, I read a favorite blog from this convert to Catholicism who was once an Atheist. She's only been a convert since 2005 but she's so far ahead in her wisdom. She wrote this post about Jesus not being a means to joy and joy is not the end. He is what we're trying to arrive to. Not the good feelings. We can't get hooked on the feelings. We are here to serve and love. Not always feel good. Sometimes we can feel good by serving and loving but we're not doing it for the good feelings. Love is a decision and not a feeling. This message is given to Catholics when they are going through marriage prep and over the years I've come to appreciate what that means.
I've also come across the message that God doesn't need us. God loves us but He doesn't need us. Love is about wanting the good of others and not about the self.
So I was demanding of Jesus instead of just loving Him and serving Him. When I told of my experience to a good Catholic friend, she could relate and she said,
"It's like a bad date. You go with high expectations that you'll meet that special someone and they turn out to be a dud."
In this case, I was the dud.