Things are moving at a snails pace with my son's development. He's in early intervention. He's on a special diet. He's on special supplements. He's making progress here and there but it's not enough. I'm getting impatient. I want consistent regular words. I find myself wanting to pull my hair out. I find myself thoroughly frustrated. I find myself screaming in my head. Sometimes outside my head too. I beg the Lord to "fix" this. I plead and cry. I beat my chest and have a tantrum.
He whispers back. In between my screams I can hear His whispering. He says,
It's o.k. to be angry. It's o.k. I understand. But I can't fix this for you right now.
He is up on the cross while I have my tantrum and He is whispering these words to me.
It's o.k. Go ahead. Let it out. Let it all out.
And I see Him up on that cross so I remember to offer it up to Him so that He's not alone and I'm not alone and we can share this moment together. I start to feel a little less sorry for myself maybe, if only for a moment.
Deep down I know why He's allowing this to happen. But I still find myself begging Him to take this cup away from me. I'm a child with an attention span of a gnat. I keep screaming and He keeps whispering back reminding me and just loving me. Before all this, I used to know only intellectually of His love. Most of the time, it was too abstract for me to really grasp. I had to be knocked off my feet to really understand how powerfully and intensely our God loves us. It may have broken me in two if I experienced it when all was hunky dory. Nowadays I'm vulnerable enough to let Him in. I'm vulnerable enough to scream at Him in anger.
FIX THIS PLEASE!!!
But through all my screaming, His whispers break through and shatter it all. He whispered the Universe into existence. My screams are no match. Praise God.
He whispers back. In between my screams I can hear His whispering. He says,
It's o.k. to be angry. It's o.k. I understand. But I can't fix this for you right now.
He is up on the cross while I have my tantrum and He is whispering these words to me.
It's o.k. Go ahead. Let it out. Let it all out.
And I see Him up on that cross so I remember to offer it up to Him so that He's not alone and I'm not alone and we can share this moment together. I start to feel a little less sorry for myself maybe, if only for a moment.
Deep down I know why He's allowing this to happen. But I still find myself begging Him to take this cup away from me. I'm a child with an attention span of a gnat. I keep screaming and He keeps whispering back reminding me and just loving me. Before all this, I used to know only intellectually of His love. Most of the time, it was too abstract for me to really grasp. I had to be knocked off my feet to really understand how powerfully and intensely our God loves us. It may have broken me in two if I experienced it when all was hunky dory. Nowadays I'm vulnerable enough to let Him in. I'm vulnerable enough to scream at Him in anger.
FIX THIS PLEASE!!!
But through all my screaming, His whispers break through and shatter it all. He whispered the Universe into existence. My screams are no match. Praise God.
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